Shattered | November 30th 2005

Sou thought out loud in Personal

I was sitting there, writing in my little green notebook…waiting. I looked up and noticed a man sitting in front of me talking on the phone and working on his laptop. I was practically staring at him.

“I’ll be leaving to London soon. Yes, yes, i’ll definately see you over there.”

I noticed him looking at me, God; how embarassing. I looked away instantaneously and then my eyes fell upon a group of teenage boys sitting in a corner, laughing, smiling and pointing at their laptop screen - laughing and smiling; how I envied them. I scribbled some more notes in my notebook. I looked down at what I was writing and I was appauled at my terrible handwriting. Whatever happened to my handwriting? Great, something else to worry about.

Where was he? Half an hour passed since he called. I scribbled down some more notes, and then some more. What was I writing? Are those really my thoughts? Did i really write that? Write what? None of it made sense anyway. Oh God, what was I doing there? I should’ve just left. I looked up again and the man sitting in front of me was still on the phone, his voice was loud, very loud, “Mr. Loud”.

“I’m writing a book, it’s going to be published soon. (pauses) Yes, yes…”

I looked away just before he noticed that i was looking at him (again). A woman walked in with her laptop case, she was all alone. “Join the club” I thought to myself. I continued to jot down usless notes down.

“So, is that your diary?”

I looked up, it was him…he finally showed up.

I looked down at my notebook, “My diary? This little thing? Oh, no no..i was just writing something down.” I smiled. God, i wanted to get up and run. He sat down on the seat next to me and smiled. Oh my, now what?! What was I supposed to say? What was i supposed to do?! I sat there, paralyzed, nothing but a smile on my face. I snapped out of it, I couldn’t sit like a complete idiot. I asked him how he was and about his last trip to Egypt. I know how much he loves going back home. He kept on talking about the two weeks he spent there, and I looked at him, A semi-mesmerzied look on my face. I love the way he talks, the way he smiles and the way he laughs. He seemed happy.

He stopped talking. Silence. We both didn’t say anything. Just a moment of silence. Urgh, Mr. Loud was still on the phone; loud as ever. I looked over at the woman that walked in with the laptop case, she was looking at me, an understanding smile on her face. I wondered if she knew how I felt; was I that transperant?!

We chit-chatted about things, my university, his work, music, movies…and before I knew it, an hour passed by and it was time to go. I didn’t want to part…I really didn’t. But good things must come to an end; right? And i couldn’t tell him what i really wanted to. I “chickened out”. I’m useless, i really am…

Hope it isn’t too lateto say “i love you”
Hope it isn’t too late to say
That without you this place looks like London,
It rains every day.
Don’t you know it, babe
I’m only half a body,
Without your embrace.
-Your Embrace, Shakira