Beautiful Awakening
February 4th 2007 by Sou in PersonalI was crying and shouting for the last three hours. I have finally come to the conclusion that I’ve got me, myself and I. Nobody else will ever understand the true me, no matter how hard they try. People will always find a way to judge me, even when they say they won’t; liars, that’s what they are, they’re all a bunch of liars. I will never let myself down, I know what’s better for me, nobody else knows, just me. I know what will make me a better person, I know my weak spots, nobody else does. Don’t pretend that you know me, don’t pretend that you understand, don’t pretend that you love me - I know you don’t, so don’t you fucking screw around with my head and pretend you care.
I will no longer tolerate anything that makes me feel like shit.
I know I’ll lose a lot of people because of this “awakening” but I just can’t stand the hypocrisy anymore. If I never hear from anyone again, well…I’d just be proving myself right. I’m not going to be a door mat. I will not trust anyone.
What if I’m speaking out of anger? True emotions? Locked up emotions?! Is it the fact that I can’t fucking talk to anyone about how I’m going to explode on the inside? I’m in so much pain…so much pain.
I am not a good artist. I am not a good writer. I am not a good friend(?) Wait, wait, wait…Not a good friend?!! Where the hell did this load of bull poop come from?! I’m a good friend, a great friend. My only problem is that I give my all in a friendship. That’s a big no-no; people aren’t worth it, nobody has proved otherwise.
There’s also “him”. Haunting my every thought, how am I going to shake him loose? And I’m sorry, but what the hell, are you serious, ya3ni betekalem gad? “Forget the memories”. For the love of God, I don’t have a delete button, I don’t! I’ll always have the memories, and she’ll always have you; something has got to give.
I decided that the only thing to do now is to focus on the one thing I can do well, I will protect the humans, I will spread awareness, I will do something to make the world a better place. I am determined, and I don’t care if it takes every living breath in me, but I’ll do it. To all of you who are like M and D…None of you will ever break my spirit, none of you.
All I wanted was somebody who genuinely cared, somebody who truly understood me. Don’t you worry your hearts, I’m keeping everything inside, because I’m the only one who understands me.
I’ve got so much hate in me right now I’m afraid I’ll do something stupid, something I’ll really regret later.
Life, my friends, isn’t always “haha, hehe.” It sure isn’t.
As Clark Gable said in Gone With the Wind, “Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn.” I couldn’t have said it better myself.
Embrace yourself, there’s a new Sou in town.
I am likely to miss the main event,
If I stop to cry and complain again.
So I will keep a deliberate pace,
Let the damn breeze dry my face.
Oh mister wait until you see,
What I plan to be;
I’ve got a plan to demand and it just began
And if you’re right, you’ll agree,
Here’s coming a better version of me.
Maybe I shouldn’t say anything and wait for it to go away, but I feel I have to say s/th. Call up M and D and tell them to go to hell. I guarantee it will make you feel better.
I don’t know about “him” though. Maybe just sit it out.
Mak: Call up M and D?!!! I’d probably go over and kick the living crap out of them. Anything is possible in the state I’m in right now.
Now ya sou eh dah eh dah *sorry cant resist*
1. I adore the ground you walk on
2. I’m honoured that you are a friend to me
3. The twirlies love you to pieces!
4. Fuck M & D, they can rot in hell
5. Same goes for that loser HIM, because he gave up on the chance to be with someone as special and wonderful as you. I know that I couldn’t have been so hmm controlling with my emotions infront of him as you have been. I’d rather slap his face and swear til I’m blue on the face. Then hurt him so more! Nobody messes with my Sou… eh dah?
6. I hate seeing you upset, but I’m upset too! So my cure? Yep my strawberry yoghurt, teenie oranges and a whole lotta men bitchin along with former best friend bitchin, then some music so we can dance the night away in our PJ’s and fluffy socks! Hell through in a hairbrush to use as a mic, and some chocolate (il give up my diet just for u!).
But in all sincerity and honesty, you are an amazing girl. If those around you cannot see that, then fuck em, they are not meant to be in your life. You’re too good and special to worry about bitches, bastards and other people who do not deserve your time of day!
Never lock up your emotions, I know! You’ll end up making yourself feel worse. You have juju, su and me who will always lend you our shoulders, ears and eyes… hell I’ll even throw in a box of tissues :P Don’t want u getting a runny nose now ;)
I love you ya sou sou eh dah eh dah *ok I need to cut that out now hehehehe*
:*** emwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Love,
Someone who thinks you deserve the universe and a hellava lot more
I can feel u so much sou, i’ve passed the same thing before, but am gonna tell u one thing, that u deserve the best ,i loved u so much since the day i knew u, i knw it’s not long enough, but enough for me wt i saw in u and felt from u, u deserve people who will care as much as u do, toz feehom begad !! no one deserves ur precious tears, and the one who will wont make u cry:) maybe now people r shitty and bad wid u, but believe me on this dear, ull find better people and things will be better, hard times are terrible, but they pass…love uuu :heart:
OMG, I go 3 days & I come back to find this.. what the hell happened ?.. but I like the awakening thingie .. sound powerful * not ready to take shit from anyone whatsoever. . Gud Gud
& a special message for M & D .. SCREW YAAAAA, You’re such losers and u dunno what you just lost.. something you cannot get again even if u keep searching for a millennium.
& you’re certainly right, locking up the emotions IS NOT a good idea khales.. it ends up by exploding & self-destructing .. emotions are the fire that burns one if locked up
& the song .. eh dah! it is very nice and suiting the post much “here comes the better version of me” .. Yup, that’s the spirit Gal!
woah! We need to talk then! I need to see whwat’s up before I place my comment but of course you can take what mimi said and times it by 1000 and that’ll be what I think as well!
:shock::shock::shock:
All I can say is, “Good for you!” Stand up for yourself! Do what you need to, but always remember one thing. Everyone needs somebody else every now and again. I know you have some friends. You have to! If you don’t then the world has truly gone to hell.
I could start with the “wonderful traits of sou” line, but I’m not. You know those things. You know what you deserve. You know who you are. You know what you need to do to make you happy. I encourage you to do it, no matter what the consequences with other people.
You can always make new friends. You can always find another “him” even though it’s hard (trust me, it CAN be done). The only thing you can’t get another of is you. You’re stuck with yourself, so do everything you can to make your stay enjoyable :)
“Self is the only prison that can ever bind the soul.” ~Henry Van Dyke, The Prison and the Angel
Free yourself Sou. You are the only one that can.
Hey… not sure where to start. I’ve been sensing the vibe for a while now. Needless to say that the people mentioned in the post aren’t worth it. Yet I’m pained at the amount of pain you are feeling. Buzz me when you log on, we can talk about it some. I can tell you about this fabulous girl I know who apparently nobody really knows. TC dearest. Till later.
Sounds like the week end was kinda creepy and high in suckage… Keep it up.
I don’t know the particulars of the situation since it’s obviously been brewing for a while, but all I can say is that if you’re (or were) a faithful friend and your so-called “friends” don’t see the value of that, then I ‘ll just have to join in with everyone else who said “Screw ‘em!”.
Hi,wow it is the first time for me ever to write a comment for someone,but u rely deserve it.Believe me i understand how u feel as i had faced the same feeling a year ago(bt it was a she) and alot of D.Bs believe it is the beauty of life that not everyone is good and there is extra bonus to that,it is simply that u learn something to keep for the bright life u still have to live.i nearly lost my self at that time and am still recovering until now,i will give u an advice never loose faith in love or friendship coz that what really keeps humanity going on.May i ask to be a friend?
Forgive me for writng mistakes as am not a good writer at all.
way to go girl, but in the cleaning up pls do be selective as not to lose good friends who werent given a fair chanse……..
So much for losing a lot of people because of this “awakening”.
Count how many people you lost and how many are still here. Does it tell you something?
And I’m sure there are many more IRL
Welcome to my world where being the motherfucker is the only thing that counts. Unleash your anger till all the hate is gone dont go with the others advice.
only one you can trust is yourself for now so be True to yourself then you’ll be ready for facing your friends again.
“Fuck Friends cuz in the danga them niggas change”, “These aint the old days aint no way Ima be bustin my ass and gettin no pay” 2Pac
I know others would give me crap for saying what I just did to you but fuck it, I feel ya and this is exactly what you need in the mood your in. Just listen to 2pac “troublesome” and Bone thugz and harmony “Mo Murdah” till your feelings subside and you are ready to be you again.
Like you said I dont know you or would ever understand ya but I do feel ya.
Its time for ya to be the motherfucker you are and “stick your dick in the ground and say fuck the world” figuratively speaking. No use keepin hate inside but letting it all out is good once in a while. Dont let others hold you down till you are ready to be held down.
And dont worry you wont lose your friends or anything for that matter. they will understand that you need to do this and they would support you through thick and thin. In the end you would realize who your true friends are and who are the fakers trying to take your Souness away from ya. Live your life with no regrets. you need this time for you to reevaluate some things and when you feel that your ready show everyone the real you. The Sou that they never saw cause you where to afraid to let anyone in. That’s why you need to do the above to filter out the people who are your real friends as opposed to ones that aint. Its a dangerous thing to do but its worth it. I got 5 people I can confide in they know my innermost secrets and they would never use that against me. Being a motherfucker aint easy but in the end you can find yourself alone or surrounded by people that will kill for ya its all up to you
3ashat Sou 3ashat!!! That’s My GIRL!!
sham shay “Frankly, My Dear, I Don’t Give A Damn”!! lol i know where u got that from! :p
and i think Mimi said it best! u deserve the Universe and everything in it.. well apart from M & D lol
i looooove u Twirlie and i’m happy that u’ve had ur awakening, we all need one once in a while, it’s the great thing about life :)
u know i’m proud of u and behind u every step of the way in everything u wanna do :D
and again “3ASHAT SOU, 3ASHAT!”
I’ve been there some long time ago. Congratulations, this is your first step on the correct path. Life will never be the same again.
I have a single piece of advice and a warning to tell you. My advice: escape into your true sincere friends, this is the only safe place you can be right now.
My warning ( I wish someone had told me it back then ): During this phase, where you are standing up for yourself and realising your true value, try not to hurt or push away your true friends. Try not lose confidence in them and it would be much better if you didn’t question their loyality at first place.
Way to go girl.
Hey dearest Sou,
Of course I’ve no idea who those motherfuckers are, but I’m feeling you, Sou. I’ve lived the same hate and anger you described and then I changed. I’m glad you stand up for yourself instead of becoming a victim. I’m glad you see that in the end it’s just all about yourself. Everything and everyone else around you can sometimes embellish life for you, but true happiness always comes within you.
Think about the good things. Although nobody knows your innerself and nobody will truly be closer to you than you, think about the kind hearts of your friends. Ignorance does not equal evil. But I know you know. You’re strong, you’re loving, you’re everything HE doesn’t deserve.
Be strong!
I hear ya walla,, Someone told u that i lied to them when they jus misunderstood me, NO WAIT, they didn’t understand me at all.
No1 will eva know anyone else 100%, but they still think they DO!!
Well Dear I am sure this will pass and even if it did not I love sou no matter what and would love the tough assed Sou.. So there
I think the need for people to understand one’s self is overrated. I am reading an article about Existentialism and I support it’s empowerment of human subjectivity. If any one feels isolated my advice to him/her would be reflect their reality in a ITS WHAT IS GOING ON SO DEAL WITH IT tone, and they do tend to catch up.
Oh and excuse TAT’s profanity :p
I can only echo all the things said above.. and sweetie, this too shall pass. hang in there.
xx
;)hey sou
so sad 2 read this
,,, i dont go for a change but i look for wht suits me as i am ,, may b i chose wrng ppl,,, but i wont change maself coz of wrng chosen people :) , i just look for right persons they dnt hae to b perfect ! nobody s perfect , if i didnt get da right ppl i look for somethng like me , where i can enjoy ma self wiz it , in da end i dnt have to change how i am coz of wrng ppl,,, thts how i go always
and as mohamed mounir said
” EYAK TEKON ZAYOHOM ,, W TROO7 W TEGRA7NA
DA ENTA EL WA7EED MENOHOM ..
TE2DAR TERAYA7NA …”
SO THERE WILL ALWAYS B RIGHT PERSONS ,,
spreading awareness cant b everythng :) it can b a goal in life ,, cuz life is not just being aware and spreading awareness ,,
IF I AM AWARE THN I CAN MANAGE OTHER THNGS ,, IF I DONT,,, THN I M NOT AWARE ENOUGH FROM ANYTHNG
Just came back to add…
Well!! I hope you’re happy now, I can’t get that damn song outta my head!:shock:
Seriously, hope you’re feeling better :)
i may not know u,but everyone goes through hell lately, its even twice harder 2 trust anyone these days
but still there still goodness in ppl,friends im not and will not be a fan of ppl but i believe in someparts there is good in each person
hope u feel fine now
peace
More power to you for trying to do something worthwhile instead of directing your energies in things you are seriously going to grow out of in a couple of years… i agree, hypocrisy is not fun… frendship is a complicated thing, but so long as there is serious respect, then no negative consequences would/ should follow from either side. I think you are now at that diverging path that will set the course of your life for you. Good luck, it won’t be easy finding yourself or making that choice.
By the way, reading Tats interesting comment, he says, ‘don’t worry your friends will support you…etc..” they don’t always, not really, and you have to make a choice that you are still able to maintain without that support if it happened not to be there for you…
Izzi I agree with you like I said “Being a motherfucker aint easy but in the end you can find yourself alone or surrounded by people that will kill for ya its all up to you “
sou, hun… I always get here late, it’s becoming a habit to be late for everyone… I’m sorry.
i wish i can give u advice, but i’m stumped, yesterday was the first time i had the balls to admit to me that i haven’t actually lifted a finger to improve “me” in the, at least, past 3 years… i’ve stopped functioning.
Sou, u have the passion, u have the heart to love, u have a charming smile and a free soul… its a shame that u cant see that. its a shame that u cant see ur free soul.
good luck hun, luv u loads. my purple friend.
Been here a couple of times.. and seen you grow emotionally for the past few months. I don’t know you personally, but I can relate to you much.
As for this entry, “been there, done that”.
Stay strong in the :heart:. It’ll pull you through the toughest s***.
*hugs*
:) Puteri.
haday ya bnaya! il denya mateswa!! its not nice seeing u like this am used to cheerful sou :( luv u girl! and dont worry be happy (8) ;p
I dont know what to say!! but… Who the hell is that person that makes u feel like that!!! shawreely 3alehaa bas we ana hamwetehoolek!!!! u are stronger then that… asln 7are2t damek wel kalam daa kolo 5osraa feli mez3lek!! I dont know what happened 3amatan and i dont want to know that is not the point but i just hate to c u like that!!!
love u ya sou and miss yaa
I hope you feel better, frankly. Not because I cared about you.